This is Just Therapy

Why is it so easy to write random flights of fancy in the wee hours of the morning? Does a lack of sleep inexorably lead to a lack of rational thought which in turn allows me to seriously consider fantastical ideas more seriously?
I keep wondering about what life will be like in the next couple years of my life. Though truthfully I often slip from wondering into worrying. Worrying that I'll never make it as a teacher, that I'll never have a boyfriend, that I'll turn into a lonely and crazy, yet very well educated, homeless person.
The truth is that even in the midst of all these thoughts I can recognize that I'm being irrational and that I'm not even considering God's hand in my life. Instead I get caught up in some kind of Taylor Swift-y whirlpool of emotions. At which point I end up here in front of my computer screen because I believe somewhere inside me that these emotional rants might possibly lead to the kind of writing that people would actually admire.
But tomorrow morning I will wake up and realize that this is actually just a distortion of what I actually am capable of writing. Tomorrow morning I will go and read that analysis I spent hours and hours on last semester and I will sigh because that is some darn good writing. And tomorrow morning I will remember that I wrote this post, chock full of first person pronouns, and within a week I will delete it, because it really is not a faithful representation of me at all.
However, for now I will revel in the fact that this is, after all, my blog, and I'm allowed the occasional dip in a feminine pool of self-pity. After all, it has to come out somewhere, and I would much rather it be here where nobody will read it than someplace more conspicuous.

Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: "Here am I." If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday.

The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.

Isaiah 58:9-11

I'm still thinking about last week. Everything I've seen and heard is racing through my mind right now. I see children's faces, broken homes, dirty streets, homeless men, hurting women. I also see a men and women with a faith that moves mountains. I see Christians who gave their all to the Lord and who have received blessings beyond belief. I see people working to break the cycle of poverty and destruction that rages through the streets in our cities. I see all of these things and I wonder what I'm supposed to do with it. What I've been exposed to I can never forget. And knowing what I know, I can no longer sit comfortably in my room doing nothing.

But in the midst of this overwhelming need to go out and do something, I'm held back by the fact that I'm still unsure as to what it is that God wants from me. I'm sure there are many things that I could do, but I don't want to just rush into the first thing that pops into my head. I know that if I go in blindly trying to do something just to alleviate this burden on my heart I cannot be nearly as effective as I could be if I allow God to guide my actions. So I guess part of what I'm feeling right now is impatience. I want God to tell me right now what He wants me to do. I know what he has called me to do in the future, and that's why I'm here spending a lot of money to get a teaching job that will pay me next to nothing. But what am I supposed to do while I work on getting that degree?

I suppose the only answer is to pray, pray, and pray some more.

"What does the Lord require of you, but to act justly, love kindness, and walk humbly with your God?"

- Micah 6:8

I am now back at Calvin after a week in Chicago working with Sunshine Ministries. I am exhausted and drained and I am loving it. To put it simply, this past week has been stunning. I made new friends, had long talks about God, learned new things, and was pushed far outside of my comfort zone. I've definitely been challenged in many areas of my faith this past week, and I've had to look at the views I hold in a completely different way. I don't know that I have everything sorted out in my head yet, but I need to start getting ideas down before I lose them.

On one of our evenings listening to Joel, the leader of Sunshine Ministries, speaking to our group, he brought up the verse Micah 6:8, and how that relates to the way we view poverty. The reasons for poverty fall into three basic categories:

1. Sin

-gambling

- addictions

- laziness

- lust

2. Tragedy

- disability

- loss of job

- medical bills

3. Oppression

- unjust political structure

- lack of education

The thing that Joel said which struck me the most is that when we in middle-class America think of reasons for poverty, we always always focus on the "Sin" category first. We might then look at Tragedy, but rarely do we view Oppression as a reason for poverty in our day-to-day thinking, and the reason we don't see it is because it practically never affects us. Think about it. When was the last time that you, a white, middle-class citizen, experienced oppression?

It's this outlook on poverty that affects how we try to change the situation. If we are viewing poverty as the result of sin, then we will try to bring people to Christ. ("walking humbly with God"). If we see it as the result of tragedy, then we will bring relief. ("love kindness"). But then there is that last part, which we rarely are motivated to put into action. It's easy to put in a quick fix by feeding someone, telling them the Gospel, donating money. But to "act justly", to face Oppression and work towards a solution....that often takes more than we are willing to give. Changing a system, creating new policies, standing up to social constructs, that's hard. That requires us to admit that we are part of the problem.

I'm not claiming to know what exactly is wrong with society. I don't know what needs to be changed to bring about the betterment of the poor in society. I'm not even sure of how to start. But I do know that sitting back and offering silent approval of the way things stand is not how we as Christians are supposed to operate. I don't know if you noticed, but "act justly" is the very first thing mentioned in this list of things we are called to do by our Lord and Savior. In light of the numerous blessings we have received, I don't see how we can ignore it any longer. We can't sit comfortably in front of our tv's and laptops and feel that this is God's plan for our lives. It's time to get up and do something about the heartbreaking poverty that so many people in this world experience every single day of their lives.

Standing Here with You

So I'm listening to that Lifehouse song "Everything", and it got to the part where it says "And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by You?" That just got me thinking...why am I not so much more in awe day by day just by the fact that I am a child of God and He loves me? Why does that fact not strike me more often? Why do I not live my life with all of the passion and love that my Savior has shown me? What holds me back?

Is it that I get so caught up in the routine of life that I forget who I'm living it for?

I think that's it. I focus so much of my time and energy on completing the next task, getting an A on the next paper, getting through each and every day with such determination and speed that it rushes past before I've really lived it.

And then all it takes is a song, a beam of sunlight in the morning, the glitter of snow, the laughter of friends, the taste of good food, and I can feel God's presence warming my life again, giving it fullness and depth and richness and beauty that I could never dream up. Why am I in such a hurry to forget those moments?

How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?

Augustine

Well, it appears that this state of boredom isn't going to leave me tonight. Thankfully I have plans for my Friday evening, so my non-existent audience will not be bothered by me until at the earliest.

Well, you (I don't know if there even is a you, but I can play pretend) remember how I mentioned in my last post about the different reasons people go to college, etc. etc? Well interestingly enough we had a discussion that seemed to illuminate for me why all of this works the way it does. We're currently reading St. Augustine's Confessions. (This will be my third time-ish going through it, thank you HFCC Honors Program) My professor was talking about what makes us who we are, and what motivates us to do what we do. There was a quote from Augustine that I really liked, "You have made us for yourself, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you". We seem to have this idea that we need to go and "find ourselves", that we have a certain identity, that there are things that we are and that we aren't. We arrange our priorities around the identity we construct for ourselves. But are we really who we think we are? How authentic is this identity we've constructed?

The thing is, everything we think we are, everything we make ourselves into, it's not us, it's not real, it's fake and it's empty if it's not centered on Christ. You can be going to college and working and volunteering at church and you can be completely off track if you're doing this because you think it's what you ought to be doing. And we'll never be completely happy and satisfied until we figure out who we are in GOD's eyes. Our true identity rests in him, and all that we can come up with for ourselves is at best only a shadowy reflection of what He has planned. I guess the idea that it comes down to is this: We are able to truly be ourselves when we are loving the right things in the right way. I think that's all I have to say for right now. Horrible way to end it, but there it is.

The purpose-driven college life.

Wow, two posts in one week! Actually I have to admit that it's due to the fact that I'm currently suffering from a cold/sore throat. (NOT the Swine Flu!) So here I sit, with no homework (That I'm willing to work on that is) and I still have a little while before I will permit myself to heat up some mac 'n cheese and curl up with a movie in this particularly cozy chair I've recently acquired.

I've been thinking lately about the different attitudes some people have towards school, college specifically. Some are in it because they have nothing else to do with their life, so college is just a way to put off becoming an "adult". Other people go to college I think because they're expected to by everyone. They also have no real goal to achieve while they're there but to pass their classes adequately. Then there are those people who go to college to have fun. New people, new experiences, exciting adventures. Other people just go to college because they have a career in mind, and they can't get into that field unless they have a college degree. And then there are the people who go to college because they truly enjoy learning. Really any of the above can be combined and those are pretty much all of the reasons people go to college. Most don't fall into that last category that I've discovered.

So why does this matter? And why am I wasting my time categorizing people? Well I think that by figuring out why one is in college, it says a lot about what they do while they're there. The people with no purpose or goal, they don't really care what they achieve while they're in college. Any grade will do as long as one isn't failing. Then those other people who are aiming specifically for a degree, well, of course they want to do well, but are they enjoying themselves while they're working so hard? They'd just as soon be done with college and be out in the workplace. And then there are the nerds like me. I absolutely love college. I love learning. I love succeeding. I demand a 4.0 from myself, not simply to keep a scholarship or for a nice transcript (though those are important reasons) but because I know what I am capable of, and I see failure as doing anything less than my potential. I've mentioned this to some people before, but if I had enough money I would just stay in school forever, and I would have a room wallpapered with degrees.

I guess my point is that I'm starting to understand more why people go about getting a college education in different ways. I used to always wonder why people weren't more upset over that grade that they got on the test. But I think I see why now. And I also know that college will always be a joy for me as long as I have decent professors and a mind that can produce A's.

Two Months In

It's been about two months now since the move to Calvin. (Yes, I know I'm terrible about updating this) Anyways, it's not exactly what I expected. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love it here. The academic challenge is amazing and is something that I definitely thrive on. But then I've always loved school. And the presence of God here on campus is more than I could have hoped for. To be able to experience God in each and every one of my classes, to be refreshed at chapel and sunday night service, it's amazing. And the church I've found is everything I could wish for. What else was I expecting then?

I think that when I first got here I had my own ideas about how many friends I was going to have, and the kind of relationships I was going to have with those friends. You know you see everyone's pictures from college and there are these huge groups of people that all hang out together and do different things. That's not what I have here. Sure, I have friends, but they're a mish-mash from all different places. Some from the classics department, others are just down the hall, another from a dorm on the other side of campus. Yes, I have friends, but my friends don't generally hang out with my other friends.

The other side of that expectation, on the types of relationships I'd have with those people, is also different from what I thought would be going on. I thought once I got here I'd immediately have deep relationships with the people I'd meet, that we'd be able to stay and talk for hours about everything and nothing. That we would do everything together. Laugh and cry and play and relax and study. But that's not exactly what I have here either. Sure, I hang out with people, but it's at planned events and things of that nature. We're not really just crashing in someone's room with pizza and a movie. Sure, I go out with people, but while we're out the conversation stays on surface topics. Lighthearted and joking. That's all well and good, and don't get me wrong, I love it. I guess I'm still just disillusioned by the fact that I haven't found a "bosom friend" (As Anne of Green Gables would say) here at Calvin.

Yet in the midst of all of this, I feel like God has really been teaching me to lean on him more and more. That deep relationship I wanted? I've got all of that with God. In the past couple months I've begun to just allow God's peace to wash over me, comforting me when I worry, healing me when I feel rejected, and refreshing me in everything that I do.

So now I continue my life at Calvin College. I wake up every morning and I hope for good things. I trust in God to get me through the day. I lean on Him if things get difficult, and He rejoices with me as I find satisfaction and contentment. What else could I ask for?