Augustine

Well, it appears that this state of boredom isn't going to leave me tonight. Thankfully I have plans for my Friday evening, so my non-existent audience will not be bothered by me until at the earliest.

Well, you (I don't know if there even is a you, but I can play pretend) remember how I mentioned in my last post about the different reasons people go to college, etc. etc? Well interestingly enough we had a discussion that seemed to illuminate for me why all of this works the way it does. We're currently reading St. Augustine's Confessions. (This will be my third time-ish going through it, thank you HFCC Honors Program) My professor was talking about what makes us who we are, and what motivates us to do what we do. There was a quote from Augustine that I really liked, "You have made us for yourself, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you". We seem to have this idea that we need to go and "find ourselves", that we have a certain identity, that there are things that we are and that we aren't. We arrange our priorities around the identity we construct for ourselves. But are we really who we think we are? How authentic is this identity we've constructed?

The thing is, everything we think we are, everything we make ourselves into, it's not us, it's not real, it's fake and it's empty if it's not centered on Christ. You can be going to college and working and volunteering at church and you can be completely off track if you're doing this because you think it's what you ought to be doing. And we'll never be completely happy and satisfied until we figure out who we are in GOD's eyes. Our true identity rests in him, and all that we can come up with for ourselves is at best only a shadowy reflection of what He has planned. I guess the idea that it comes down to is this: We are able to truly be ourselves when we are loving the right things in the right way. I think that's all I have to say for right now. Horrible way to end it, but there it is.

The purpose-driven college life.

Wow, two posts in one week! Actually I have to admit that it's due to the fact that I'm currently suffering from a cold/sore throat. (NOT the Swine Flu!) So here I sit, with no homework (That I'm willing to work on that is) and I still have a little while before I will permit myself to heat up some mac 'n cheese and curl up with a movie in this particularly cozy chair I've recently acquired.

I've been thinking lately about the different attitudes some people have towards school, college specifically. Some are in it because they have nothing else to do with their life, so college is just a way to put off becoming an "adult". Other people go to college I think because they're expected to by everyone. They also have no real goal to achieve while they're there but to pass their classes adequately. Then there are those people who go to college to have fun. New people, new experiences, exciting adventures. Other people just go to college because they have a career in mind, and they can't get into that field unless they have a college degree. And then there are the people who go to college because they truly enjoy learning. Really any of the above can be combined and those are pretty much all of the reasons people go to college. Most don't fall into that last category that I've discovered.

So why does this matter? And why am I wasting my time categorizing people? Well I think that by figuring out why one is in college, it says a lot about what they do while they're there. The people with no purpose or goal, they don't really care what they achieve while they're in college. Any grade will do as long as one isn't failing. Then those other people who are aiming specifically for a degree, well, of course they want to do well, but are they enjoying themselves while they're working so hard? They'd just as soon be done with college and be out in the workplace. And then there are the nerds like me. I absolutely love college. I love learning. I love succeeding. I demand a 4.0 from myself, not simply to keep a scholarship or for a nice transcript (though those are important reasons) but because I know what I am capable of, and I see failure as doing anything less than my potential. I've mentioned this to some people before, but if I had enough money I would just stay in school forever, and I would have a room wallpapered with degrees.

I guess my point is that I'm starting to understand more why people go about getting a college education in different ways. I used to always wonder why people weren't more upset over that grade that they got on the test. But I think I see why now. And I also know that college will always be a joy for me as long as I have decent professors and a mind that can produce A's.

Two Months In

It's been about two months now since the move to Calvin. (Yes, I know I'm terrible about updating this) Anyways, it's not exactly what I expected. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love it here. The academic challenge is amazing and is something that I definitely thrive on. But then I've always loved school. And the presence of God here on campus is more than I could have hoped for. To be able to experience God in each and every one of my classes, to be refreshed at chapel and sunday night service, it's amazing. And the church I've found is everything I could wish for. What else was I expecting then?

I think that when I first got here I had my own ideas about how many friends I was going to have, and the kind of relationships I was going to have with those friends. You know you see everyone's pictures from college and there are these huge groups of people that all hang out together and do different things. That's not what I have here. Sure, I have friends, but they're a mish-mash from all different places. Some from the classics department, others are just down the hall, another from a dorm on the other side of campus. Yes, I have friends, but my friends don't generally hang out with my other friends.

The other side of that expectation, on the types of relationships I'd have with those people, is also different from what I thought would be going on. I thought once I got here I'd immediately have deep relationships with the people I'd meet, that we'd be able to stay and talk for hours about everything and nothing. That we would do everything together. Laugh and cry and play and relax and study. But that's not exactly what I have here either. Sure, I hang out with people, but it's at planned events and things of that nature. We're not really just crashing in someone's room with pizza and a movie. Sure, I go out with people, but while we're out the conversation stays on surface topics. Lighthearted and joking. That's all well and good, and don't get me wrong, I love it. I guess I'm still just disillusioned by the fact that I haven't found a "bosom friend" (As Anne of Green Gables would say) here at Calvin.

Yet in the midst of all of this, I feel like God has really been teaching me to lean on him more and more. That deep relationship I wanted? I've got all of that with God. In the past couple months I've begun to just allow God's peace to wash over me, comforting me when I worry, healing me when I feel rejected, and refreshing me in everything that I do.

So now I continue my life at Calvin College. I wake up every morning and I hope for good things. I trust in God to get me through the day. I lean on Him if things get difficult, and He rejoices with me as I find satisfaction and contentment. What else could I ask for?

Let's start over shall we?

Well, I haven't written in a while. Actually since I finished the class that made me create this blog. But at the moment I have the time to stop for a moment and perhaps I'll write something interesting. 

There have been a lot of developments in life lately. I'm 7 weeks away from having my associate's degree in Secondary Education. I'm approximately 15 weeks away from moving out my house and starting school at Calvin College. There's a scary thought. I've lived here since I was five years old, and aside from vacations I've never left. But I guess it's not only the idea of leaving home that scares me. It's the thought of having to adjust to this whole new environment, make all of these new friends. It gets worse at the thought that I'll be over 200 miles away from everything and everyone that I've grown close to over the past few years. I suppose it will be something like what my mom calls "broadening my horizons". Which, despite being character-building, is never comfortable or safe. And I like safe. I am, without a doubt, a creature of habit, and disrupting thing that have gone on for any length of time has always been a stressful thing for me. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm excited for sure. I've been dreaming about going to Calvin for about three years now. And now that it's actually happening there are times that I want to just jump up and down and scream and laugh and go crazy. The thought of being in this place where I can be challenged academically and spiritually is amazing and I really can't wait. It's the light on the end of this long two-year tunnel called Henry Ford Community College. 

I guess my point with all of this is that despite my nervousness I'm really looking forward to moving on with life in general. I know for sure this is where God wants me to be, and that's an awesome and reassuring feeling through all of this.