This is Just Therapy

Why is it so easy to write random flights of fancy in the wee hours of the morning? Does a lack of sleep inexorably lead to a lack of rational thought which in turn allows me to seriously consider fantastical ideas more seriously?
I keep wondering about what life will be like in the next couple years of my life. Though truthfully I often slip from wondering into worrying. Worrying that I'll never make it as a teacher, that I'll never have a boyfriend, that I'll turn into a lonely and crazy, yet very well educated, homeless person.
The truth is that even in the midst of all these thoughts I can recognize that I'm being irrational and that I'm not even considering God's hand in my life. Instead I get caught up in some kind of Taylor Swift-y whirlpool of emotions. At which point I end up here in front of my computer screen because I believe somewhere inside me that these emotional rants might possibly lead to the kind of writing that people would actually admire.
But tomorrow morning I will wake up and realize that this is actually just a distortion of what I actually am capable of writing. Tomorrow morning I will go and read that analysis I spent hours and hours on last semester and I will sigh because that is some darn good writing. And tomorrow morning I will remember that I wrote this post, chock full of first person pronouns, and within a week I will delete it, because it really is not a faithful representation of me at all.
However, for now I will revel in the fact that this is, after all, my blog, and I'm allowed the occasional dip in a feminine pool of self-pity. After all, it has to come out somewhere, and I would much rather it be here where nobody will read it than someplace more conspicuous.

Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: "Here am I." If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday.

The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.

Isaiah 58:9-11

I'm still thinking about last week. Everything I've seen and heard is racing through my mind right now. I see children's faces, broken homes, dirty streets, homeless men, hurting women. I also see a men and women with a faith that moves mountains. I see Christians who gave their all to the Lord and who have received blessings beyond belief. I see people working to break the cycle of poverty and destruction that rages through the streets in our cities. I see all of these things and I wonder what I'm supposed to do with it. What I've been exposed to I can never forget. And knowing what I know, I can no longer sit comfortably in my room doing nothing.

But in the midst of this overwhelming need to go out and do something, I'm held back by the fact that I'm still unsure as to what it is that God wants from me. I'm sure there are many things that I could do, but I don't want to just rush into the first thing that pops into my head. I know that if I go in blindly trying to do something just to alleviate this burden on my heart I cannot be nearly as effective as I could be if I allow God to guide my actions. So I guess part of what I'm feeling right now is impatience. I want God to tell me right now what He wants me to do. I know what he has called me to do in the future, and that's why I'm here spending a lot of money to get a teaching job that will pay me next to nothing. But what am I supposed to do while I work on getting that degree?

I suppose the only answer is to pray, pray, and pray some more.

"What does the Lord require of you, but to act justly, love kindness, and walk humbly with your God?"

- Micah 6:8

I am now back at Calvin after a week in Chicago working with Sunshine Ministries. I am exhausted and drained and I am loving it. To put it simply, this past week has been stunning. I made new friends, had long talks about God, learned new things, and was pushed far outside of my comfort zone. I've definitely been challenged in many areas of my faith this past week, and I've had to look at the views I hold in a completely different way. I don't know that I have everything sorted out in my head yet, but I need to start getting ideas down before I lose them.

On one of our evenings listening to Joel, the leader of Sunshine Ministries, speaking to our group, he brought up the verse Micah 6:8, and how that relates to the way we view poverty. The reasons for poverty fall into three basic categories:

1. Sin

-gambling

- addictions

- laziness

- lust

2. Tragedy

- disability

- loss of job

- medical bills

3. Oppression

- unjust political structure

- lack of education

The thing that Joel said which struck me the most is that when we in middle-class America think of reasons for poverty, we always always focus on the "Sin" category first. We might then look at Tragedy, but rarely do we view Oppression as a reason for poverty in our day-to-day thinking, and the reason we don't see it is because it practically never affects us. Think about it. When was the last time that you, a white, middle-class citizen, experienced oppression?

It's this outlook on poverty that affects how we try to change the situation. If we are viewing poverty as the result of sin, then we will try to bring people to Christ. ("walking humbly with God"). If we see it as the result of tragedy, then we will bring relief. ("love kindness"). But then there is that last part, which we rarely are motivated to put into action. It's easy to put in a quick fix by feeding someone, telling them the Gospel, donating money. But to "act justly", to face Oppression and work towards a solution....that often takes more than we are willing to give. Changing a system, creating new policies, standing up to social constructs, that's hard. That requires us to admit that we are part of the problem.

I'm not claiming to know what exactly is wrong with society. I don't know what needs to be changed to bring about the betterment of the poor in society. I'm not even sure of how to start. But I do know that sitting back and offering silent approval of the way things stand is not how we as Christians are supposed to operate. I don't know if you noticed, but "act justly" is the very first thing mentioned in this list of things we are called to do by our Lord and Savior. In light of the numerous blessings we have received, I don't see how we can ignore it any longer. We can't sit comfortably in front of our tv's and laptops and feel that this is God's plan for our lives. It's time to get up and do something about the heartbreaking poverty that so many people in this world experience every single day of their lives.

Standing Here with You

So I'm listening to that Lifehouse song "Everything", and it got to the part where it says "And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by You?" That just got me thinking...why am I not so much more in awe day by day just by the fact that I am a child of God and He loves me? Why does that fact not strike me more often? Why do I not live my life with all of the passion and love that my Savior has shown me? What holds me back?

Is it that I get so caught up in the routine of life that I forget who I'm living it for?

I think that's it. I focus so much of my time and energy on completing the next task, getting an A on the next paper, getting through each and every day with such determination and speed that it rushes past before I've really lived it.

And then all it takes is a song, a beam of sunlight in the morning, the glitter of snow, the laughter of friends, the taste of good food, and I can feel God's presence warming my life again, giving it fullness and depth and richness and beauty that I could never dream up. Why am I in such a hurry to forget those moments?

How can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?